Goodbye
by BabyBirdAlways
Summary: 'Kate guides Castle through his last moments because, despite his previous protestations to the contrary, no one should ever have to die alone.' Inspired partly by my experiences with my own Grandad and partly because of the strength of the love between Kate and Castle, it came out of nowhere really. It's a multi-chapter, as it became too big for a one-shot. Thanks.
1. Chapter 1 - Entre'act

The soporific whirring of the electronic drip at the side of his bed stirs her from the doze it was responsible for putting her into in the first place; it's a regulated, mechanical sound, something reassuringly constant, in this room where their lives are falling apart and nothing seems real or normal. A room that's as far from where she wants to be as is humanly possible, and as far from their comfortable space as is possible. But then, in this situation and this moment, there's nowhere else that she'd ever want to be. Though it smells unfamiliar, and funny; 'clinical', as Castle so aptly put it, when they moved him up here from the general ward he'd occupied for two weeks beforehand, it had slowly become their second home. Castle's only home, actually; the one that was set in stone when they knew exactly what was wrong, and when they were told his time was coming to an end.

Castle stirs, his hands twitching as his eyelids flutter with no real sense of comprehension behind them. Her beautiful, clever husband; so frail now, almost a stranger in the physical sense, as his body has undergone so many unsavoury changes in the few weeks they'd been ensconced within the hospital. So far removed from the charismatic, gentle man she gave her life to on that perfect, dusk evening in the Hamptons.

Sweet, mischievous, sensuous, thoughtful, kind, trusting - so many superlatives, and none of them ever quite enough to describe the depth of this man, and of her love for him. Nothing will ever be enough. No amount of time _could_ ever be enough. But he's tired now; as is she. She's been conflicted for days, feeling guilty for hoping that it will all come to an end soon, to relieve him of this pain and discomfort, yet also grappling with the selfish desire of wanting every second to last forever so that she doesn't have to say goodbye.

She isn't ready to say goodbye.

But she knows she never will be ready. She's a mess of contradictions; as is the nature of grief, because to a degree she has lost him already, although her Rick is still alive – barely - in the bed next to her. She began the grieving process unconsciously, when they knew his days were numbered, and it accelerated when his mind had left her earlier that night. He'd been thrashing and fighting so much she'd called the nurse, and after a dose of various medications and a lot of soothing and reassuring from Kate he'd closed his eyes and gradually the tortured movements had stopped, and he'd settled into a pattern of breathing that was strong but irregular, muddied by the rattling, bubbling sounds of his lungs slowly filling up with fluid.

Rhian comes in, proffering a cup of strong coffee. She's a sweet, gentle soul; kind, and compassionate, and over the last week and a half they'd been privileged enough to witness her wonderful personality alongside her incredible nursing skills. "Morning, Mrs Castle... I thought you might like this." Her light, Welsh accented lilt was a strange concept to get used to at first, here in New York where everyone's speech is coarse and dark, but the brightness of her tone has become a welcome distraction to everything else that seems so drab and bleak in their world. A world that's centred down to two people, one hospital room, and the unknown time they have remaining.

Kate smoothes her hair back from her face, straightening her body up before accepting it gratefully. "Thank you. And please." she replies, in a quiet, broken voice. "I've said it so many times before, please call me Kate."

She smiles lightly, meeting the older woman's eyes and observing the pain etched into her irises. "Ok. How has he been, Kate?"

"Noisy." Kate laughs, and the loudness of her voice shocks her. It's a forced sound, from an almost involuntary action; the unbidden effect of hardly any sleep and the sheer absurdity of the situation they'd found themselves in, seemingly from nowhere. "He was babbling, groaning, trying to get up, all sorts. Nikita gave him some Midazolam, which stopped the thrashing around, and he's been quieter since. A bit more… peaceful." Her eyes fill with unwanted but automatic tears as she checks the small wire-bound notebook she's tucked under Castle's pillow. "He had his last dose at 5am, so it'll be wearing off soon. He's been like clockwork."

The nurse smiles as she picks up his notes folder from the end of the bed. "You've been writing it all down?" Kate nods, brushing at her cheeks to catch the tears, ashamed to be showing such emotion in spite of the fact that Rhian had become something of a friend over the last few days. You forge connections with people when you're thrust in to this kind of situation, and though she was grateful to have the support she couldn't help wishing she'd never had to come to know this beautiful, kind woman under such horrible circumstances. Rhian continues, stepping back over and resting her hand on Kate's shoulder; her voice low, and soothing. "We do that so you don't have to, you know… You don't have to worry. Just concentrate on him, Kate. We can take care of the technical stuff."

Kate pulls herself up, moving away and lifting the edge of the sheet covering Castle so she can glance at how much medication is left in the syringe driver nestled by his side. "I know, but it makes me feel better. More… useful, I suppose. Like I'm helping." Satisfying herself that there's time left before it needs to be changed, she turns to look at the nurse again. "How long now, do you suppose? It's…" Her voice falters again. "It's going to be soon, isn't it?"

Her eyes softening once more as she looks at the older woman's tired, broken features, she nods. "It's hard for us to judge, but it seems likely, now that he's settled. You might want to call Alexis." Kate's eyes widen, her stomach clenching in fear at the fact she phrased it as a statement rather than a question, and Rhian places a light hand on her shoulder again in reassurance. "It wouldn't hurt. And I'm sure she wants to be here for you, as much as for her Dad; that girl is an adult-sized ray of sunshine. Would you like me to call her?"

Kate exhales slowly in an attempt to quash the rising panic threatening to spill up and over, from her throat and out into the stuffy, cramped hospital room. "No, thanks. I should do it."

"Alright then. I'm going to review his notes from overnight, and I'll be back a little later, but I'm only outside if you need anything. Ok?" Kate nods, not trusting her voice, and her eyes flood with tears again. Then, with a light squeeze of her shoulder and an after-breeze of light, crisp perfume, she is gone.


	2. Chapter 2 - Alexis and Alexander

Kate slides the chair easily over so it's closer to the edge of the bed, and sits again. Winding her one arm through the bars at the side of the bed she lifts Castle's hand, settling hers underneath and entwining her slender fingers with his puffy, pale ones. Since his kidney function had become so impaired a few days before he'd swollen up like a balloon, but not once had he complained, just made some joke about Lanie coming by to stick one of her oversized autopsy fluid needles in him to let out a bit of the 'hot air'. She pulls her iPhone out of her cardigan pocket with the other hand, and scrolls for her step daughter's number.

"I'm just calling Alexis, so she knows we're up and about, and she can come see you, ok babe?" She says to Castle, trying to keep her speech calm and measured even though he's not likely to hear her, or to answer her back. She knows it's near. As she presses the picture of Alexis on her 'Recents' screen, she feels him squeeze at her fingers, and the phone slides from her hand on to the bed. "Rick?"

His eyes flutter open, and his breathing instantly becomes more laboured. She rises quickly and adjusts the canula underneath his nose, aligning it correctly, before sliding her other hand across his forehead and down his face to cup his cheek. "Rick, it's ok. Shhh…" His features broke into a pained attempt at a smile as his legs shifted under the thin, scratchy hospital sheet, his grip on her fingers growing stronger as he opened and closed his mouth, trying to speak.

"'lex?"

The tears were flowing freely now, and she made no attempt to stop them. "Yes, hon, she's going to be on her way in no time. I'm just calling her now. How're you doing?"

He shifted his legs again, his eyes fluttering closed, and she tightened her fingers around his as she willed him to speak. "Castle?" They opened at the sound of her voice.

"Hmmm?"

Her heart was beating in her throat, it seemed; a quickening drumbeat that echoed in her ears as she tried hard to regulate the panic. She instantly feels her eyes water with tears again, and they flow freely; her collarbones providing a recess for them to pool in. "Come on babe, it's ok. Just rest."

He mumbled, taking a slow, drawn breath. "'K…" he wheezed. " Al...ways."

"Well alright then. You just go back to sleep. Alexis will be here before you know it." She strokes softly at the sallow skin of his cheek as his body judders, the effort to breathe almost too much for his fragile, worn-out form, but eventually he settles and it levels out again. She stands, sliding her hand away and setting his gently down onto the sheet again, before reaching to retrieve her phone. She sweeps her eyes over him once more as she pads slowly and quietly to the door, leaning out just enough to quieten the sound of her voice while keeping one foot in the room to prop the door open. She glances down just long enough to press Alexis's contact picture again, before settling her eyes back on her husband.

Alexis picks up almost immediately. "Beckett?" Kate's heart jumps at just how much like her Dad she sounds.

"Yes, honey, it's me."

A sob escapes from her step-daughter before she can even attempt to stop it, a sound that makes her stomach flip with love and protection. "Is he ok? Kate, please, tell me he's still ok."

She bites her lip, determined to keep calm. "He's... comfortable. But he didn't have such a good night, and Rhian thinks it's a good idea for you to visit. How quickly do you think you can get here?"

She hears their grandson in the background, chattering happily to his mother. "Grandad? Na-na? I speak, Mummy, please!" A smile instantly spreads across her face as she pictures the scene – she just knows he's clambering over Alexis's feet, his chubby little hands grasping upwards to try and get the phone to speak to his grandparents. At two years old he was already more articulate and polite than most children his age; due in no small part to the fact that Castle had read to and with him incessantly since he was born. Before, even. When Alexis was fed up and uncomfortable, tired of being so very pregnant, he'd lay with her on the sofa and read to them both, just as he had done when she was a little girl; directing the words not only to her, but also to her growing belly. It brought them both comfort, and one of Castle's proudest achievements was passing the same love of words and language he had to his grandson, as well as to his daughter.

Alexis sighs in frustration, trying desperately to hold back her instinctive emotions; to hide them from her son. "Alexander, please, I'm trying to speak to Nana. No, this is important!"

"... Na, please? I speak!" Her brow furrows, part sorrow and part empathy, as she hears his little voice crack with sadness at being denied the chance to speak with her.

"It's ok, 'Lex. Put him on. I'll keep him occupied while you get your things together." She drew her lip into her mouth as she waited, her eyes still focused on the intermittent rise and fall of her husband's chest. Hearing the rustling of the phone as Alex grasps it and puts it to his ear, she smiles instantly at the sound of her grandson's soft breathing.

"Na-na?"

"Hi, baby boy. Are you being a scamp for your Mummy today?"

Alex laughs; a bright, beautiful sound that makes her stomach flip for an entirely different reason. Although she and Castle had never had any children, her bond with Alexis had grown and grown over the years and when her Grandson was born, it was just as strong a connection as if he had been her own child. She loved every tiny inch of him, right from the start, with such a passion it felt like sometimes it might consume her; she finally understood the strength of the bond between Castle and Alexis, the bond that meant you'd do anything to keep them out of harm's way, even if it meant sacrificing yourself.

She smiles again as he giggles, protesting his innocence. "Nope, no scamp. I'm a angel, Na!"

"An angel?!" she scoffs lightly, teasing him. "No, I'm sorry, I don't know any angels called Alexander... I only know a little scamp named Alie, who eats too many of Grandad's ginger biscuits and falls asleep on the sofa as much as his Grandad does too. Does that sound about right?"

More giggling. "Nope! Nope! Angel!"

"Oh, I don't think so darling. You're a scamp of the highest order."

His tone changes, to one of sweet, childlike confusion. "Highst what, Na-na?"

"Highest order, baby boy. It means... the most important."

"Alex important!"

"Yes, you are... But what's important today is that you be really good for Mummy and Auntie Rena, because she needs to come and see me and Grandad without you. Do you think you can do that for me?"

She knew that his little eyes would light up at that; he liked having 'grown up' things to do, and more than anything he liked to do what his grandmother told him – something that frustrated Alexis no end, as quite often he would point blank refuse to do anything she told him to do purely because she was his mother. "Yes, Na – can do that. No scamping. Good Alex!"

Her eyes fill with tears again, and she tries hard to control the shake in her voice. "That's my boy. No scamping needed today. Is Mummy back yet?" He doesn't respond verbally, but she hears a rustling at the other end of the line. "Darling, are you nodding?"

She hears Alexis call out in the background, "Yep!", and she chuckles again. "Alex, remember what I told you the other day? You can't hear nodding through the phone, sweetheart. You have to say yes or no."

"Yes, Na. Mummy's here. Go back?"

"Yes please, baby boy. Now you be good, and remember – love you to..." She waits for him to finish their sentence.

"... moon and back 'gain!" He giggles triumphantly, and blows kisses down the line. "Bye, Na – kiss for Grandad too, 'member..."

"Of course, sweetheart. He sends one back." The line rustles again, as Alexis prises the phone out of Alexander's sticky grasp and brings it back to her ear.

"I'll be there in about ten minutes, ok? I just have to drop this monkey at Rena's on the way." Alexis's voice is strained, the tension of trying to keep herself together for both her step-mother and her son almost too much to manage. "And, Kate?"

"Yes, hon?"

Her voice breaks. "Ask him to hold on for me."

And there is the strength she needs. Hearing her step-daughter's voice so young again, so childlike, she knows she has to hold it together for her as much as for Castle. Although she's losing her husband, Alexis is trying to manage the pain of losing the only father she'll ever have on both her and Alex's behalf, and it's evident by her voice and her actions that she isn't managing it very well.

Castle had been incredibly angry when Matthew, Alexander's biological father, up and left when Alexis was barely four months pregnant; apparently the draw of a life in Atlantic City with a casino girl was far more scintillating than building a family with his long term partner. His actions were something Castle was never able to forgive, having been effectively left as a single parent himself, so it was just as well that he had no interest in either of their lives; in fact, he'd threatened bodily mutilation if Matthew even set one foot near his beloved daughter or grandson. Not a threat to be taken lightly from a man who could pop a gun out of your hand with one shot, then ruin your mind with a carefully constructed phrase as effective as another bullet wound. Martha would have stepped in happily, just as she had done with Castle when Meredith had pulled the same sort of vanishing act, but they'd lost her good few years before Alexis fell pregnant. Quickly, and with only a small degree of suffering; something her son seemed to be following in her footsteps with. The most bittersweet sort of luck, she found, and something to be intensely grateful for.

Kate sighs; a heavy, enveloping breath, and straightens her back in a physical attempt to strengthen her voice. "I will, 'Lex. He'll still be here, don't you worry. I'll see you soon, sweet." She ends the call and places the iPhone back in her cardigan pocket, slipping through the crack in the doorway and making her way back to her chair quietly. Kate slides the chair again, so it's tight to the edge of the bed, wriggling her hand underneath her husband's once more, and she waits.


	3. Chapter 3 - Kiddo

Kate spends her time counting his breaths, and the seconds between them; watching the slow inhales and exhales of her husband's broad chest; bloated now, but still as thick and strong as before. Part hefty bone structure, and part illness; she doesn't care, either way. It's one of the only parts of his body that hasn't changed that much, and she can manage to draw comfort from one part that is unchanging, when the rest is morphing into something unknown right before her eyes. He takes one loud, rattling inhale and his whole body appears to lift a millimetre from the bed; her eyes widen, tears springing to moisten them reflexively, and she holds her own breath along with his. Her grip on his cool, veined hand tightens and she shakes him lightly, willing him with all the strength left in her body to please, please, exhale.

' _One, two…_

… _five, six…_

… _eight, nine… Come on, Castle. Come on. Just hang on, she'll be here soon.'_

Time stalls.

She stops counting then, both of them frozen in the moment, until finally his chest falls once more with a loud rattle and a 'whoosh'. Her own exhalation produces as more of a sob, and she loosens her grip on his hand as she glances to the clock at the foot of the bed. She tries to remember what time she called Alexis; was it three minutes ago? Five? How long had she been sat here with him, since coming back in? Her mind begins to race, and she edges away from the bed. Leaning over to the door , she pokes her head out into the ward and calls out in what she intends to be a loud shout, but emerges as more of a strained, meek whisper. "Rhian?"

The Nurse's blonde head pokes up from behind the Nurse's desk, and she rises immediately. "Kate? Everything ok?"

Kate just shakes her head and Rhian makes her way over to her, placing her hand in the small of her back to guide her back in to Castle's room. "It's ok. Let's check on him." Kate's footsteps are hesitant at first, unintentionally light, but then the pull of her husband is as strong as the day she met him and she takes the steps faster, falling over her feet to take her place again, right beside him. Her voice is thin; panicked. "He stopped… and then started again. I did shake him, though, I'm so sorry..."

Rhian smiles as she lifts Castle's other hand, setting her fingers into the dip at the centre of his wrist. "He's playing tricks on you, that's all. Cheeky thing, as he is." Her brow furrows as she presses her fingers down again, a little harder this time, struggling to find his heart rhythm. "Hmmm. When will Alexis be here?"

Kate looks up, catching Rhian's eye, and sees the concern there. "I called her – shall I…?" She nods in response, and Kate fumbles in her pocket for her phone. Holding it in the crook between her neck and her shoulder she grasps Castle's fingers again, making a pocket out of her own hands and nestling his large, cool one safely in the centre. She watches his chest intently as the click of the connect tone echoes in her ear, back to counting the small movements once again as she waits for her step-daughter to answer. _'Come on, 'Lex…'_ She thinks silently; almost begging. _'Pick up, please, please…'_ Her quiet mantra is noisily interrupted by the robotic voice sound of a faint ringtone, coupled with the pounding of fast-moving feet echoing loudly around the largely silent hospital ward. As they get closer at an increasing pace she presses the 'Call End' button, a light smile on her lips. "That's her."

Rhian tilts her head inquisitively. "How do you know?"

The tears break then; a dam of water rushing down her cheeks, in contrast to her smile that only seems to grow wider. The obtrusive ring tone was the audio of the web-commercial that Castle had recorded years ago, for his book 'Raging Heat'; a source of great amusement for all of them, and even after all these years Alexis insisted on keeping it as her ringtone, in the most part because it drove her father crazy with humiliation every time her mobile went off. "One, because she stomps everywhere like an elephant, has done since she was a teenager, and… well, the other bit is a long story." Her head tilts backwards as Alexis rushes in, immediately enveloping her step-mother in a hard hug from behind.

"Hi, sweetheart." The tears are gone and Kate's voice is warm; different, somehow. Stronger, now that her step-daughter is there. They have to be strong, now that they're faced with losing the source of their own greatest strength.

Alexis moves forward, splitting her body from Kate's and resting her small hands on her father's leg. "I came as quickly as I could, but when you started to ring me… I thought…" She bites back the words, unable to verbalise the unthinkable and they stick in her throat, caught in the black-treacle-like emotion that has been there constantly since Castle was admitted to hospital. She lets out a choked sound; something of a sob as Kate smiles sadly, reaching her arm out to pull her closer again, feeling her small body sink against her in relief.

"Has he ever let you down before? I asked him to wait, and he did. It's ok, sweetheart. He's comfy."

Alexis looks to Rhian, her eyes wide and pleading. "How much longer? Has he had much medication this morning? What dosages did he need, through the night?"

They'd formed a friendship too, since Castle had been transferred to the ward; they'd bonded over their sons, with both them and their children being of a similar age. When he'd first been diagnosed, Kate looked to Rhian to explain the ins and outs in a way that Alexis's scientific brain could process and comprehend, as she'd not been able to provide enough information to satisfy her need for details. The processes were comforting to her, like keeping track of the half life of his medications so she could help keep him free from pain, but Alexis needed to know the gritty, medical things, the way his body would break down, the details that her own brain – and her heart – just couldn't handle. And she had been there, with knowledge and kindness in spades. Just as she'd been there in so many other ways through their time here; ways that they would never be able to express their gratitude for. Nothing would ever be enough.

"He's had what he needs." Rhian replies succinctly. "As I said to your step-mum earlier; don't bother yourselves with the ins and outs. That's why we're here. Just concentrate on your Dad."

Alexis looks up again, her bright green eyes brimming over with tears. "But… knowledge is strength, Rhi. It helps." Kate huffs lightly, suppressing a laugh as she rests her head against Alexis's side.

"Just like her Dad, this one. He used to say that all the time."

Wiping roughly at her eyes, Alexis smiles. "When I was doing my finals, he'd send me three part emails with just that in, one word for each mail, in humungous font. He thought he was helping, but really – at the time - it just annoyed me… Silly, isn't it. Those things you wish you'd appreciated at the time. And now it's too late -"

Kate interrupts her firmly. "It's not too late for anything. The past is the past, and nothing can change that, but we're here, and so is he – there's nothing to be scared of anymore. We know what's going to happen, so it's more about…" She takes a deep breath, desperate to keep some sort of control. "…about him not being alone."

Alexis nods, her skin dimpling in strange places on her face as she tenses her muscles unconsciously. Kate hasn't seen her like this for a long time; the only other occasion she could recall was when Castle had to tell her that Martha had died, without her being there. She'd only just left the hospital, to get a change of clothes, but Martha had declined quickly and although Alexis had tried so desperately to get back to the hospital in time – so much so, in fact, that she'd got a speeding ticket on the way – she'd missed her, just by moments. Kate knew it was one of the biggest sources of pain and regret that she carried around with her, and she'd only started to come to terms with it months later when they'd had a lazy tea one sticky, midsummer Sunday, filled with too much pasta and wine. She and Castle had got into one of their 'deep and meaningfuls' on the fragility of life and he'd blurted out what he'd always truly believed; that Martha had waited until she wasn't there to go, because she knew it would be too painful for the little 'kiddo' to be there to witness it. Such was Martha's personality; and her children and grandchild were cut from the same cloth, anything to spare each other pain, and suffering. Being the adult he was, by default, stronger so the responsibilities were split, and it was Gram that had made that decision – albeit an unspoken one. Slowly Alexis had opened up and, with refills of wine and many tears, all three of them had stayed outside talking it through until the lessening light and evening chill had forced them back inside. When she got up the next day she'd seemed a great deal more settled, and at peace with it, and Castle was happy. Until now.

She's snapped out of her own thoughts by Rhian moving, just in the corner of her vision. "I'm outside if you need anything." The nurse picks up his notes again and tucks them under her arm, closing the door quietly behind her, and Kate takes the moment of silence as a chance to speak. To reassure, because to somehow lessen the load for the beautiful, pain filled child next to her is about the only positive and useful thing she can think to do, in that moment.

She takes a breath. "It's not going to be like what happened with Gram, you know. We're staying here with him sweetheart, no matter how long it takes."

"I know." Her voice is small; hesitant, and childlike, but some of the tension slips from her face. "He always used to say that everyone dies alone, even if they have people who love them. That's not right. I _never_ thought it was right." She looks up at Kate for reassurance, her eyes wide and searching.

A light laugh escapes from her, and Alexis finally smiles. "Have you ever known us Castle women listen to a single thing your father says? He spent years fighting for dominance with us… be damned if I'm going to give up now. " She drops a gentle kiss to the top of her step-daughter's head. "Be damned... Sorry, sweet. I'm getting punchy." Alexis sighs loudly, but her eyes are a little brighter now and her face is less filled with tension as she moves to settle herself on the other side of the bed, tucking her long legs beneath her and resting her arm alongside her father's mottled, bluey-tinged one.


	4. Chapter 4 - Fin

_**Before the end chapter, I'd just like to say thank you to all those who have read, followed, favourited and reviewed this little story – your thoughts and kindness have meant more than I can say. I'm glad you've enjoyed it, and I hope others that come across it will too. I put Castle and Beckett's wedding vows at the end, as they seemed to be a fitting footnote to what is, after all, the (imagined) end of love story. Thanks for sticking with me.**_

They stay in silence for a while, both silently counting the ever increasing spaces between his breaths; comfortable together, and the tension in the room relaxes as they settle into the audible rhythm his struggling body is beating out. A stilted one, but a rhythm nonetheless, for the time being at least.

The silences in between create almost an electricity in the room; not peaceful in the slightest, but bearable, before it's washed away with the croaking inhalations of the dying man in the bed in front of them, only to build once more.

He rattles again. The spaces between his attempts at a breath grow, at a frightening but seemingly never ending pace, until there are no more attempts, no more breaths; just space, and quiet, and a silence that is almost deafening.

Then it remains, the silence; until he breaks it one more time; his chest puffed, with only half of a slow, drawn in breath, and he stays like that for what seems like an eternity.

A noise comes from Alexis's throat; air, caught, like a hiccup, and she springs to her feet, instantly going to her step-mother's side. She's panicked; again, childlike. "I'll go, get Rhian, she can do something –"

"Alexis…" Her tone is firm; denying, almost. She grasps her hand as she starts to rush away, stalling her movement and wrapping her fingers around Alexis's, and she looks upwards, her eyes saying everything she doesn't need to verbalise. "Just… stay."

Still silence, with both of them desperately willing him to break it; but in death, as in life, he is contradictory and stubborn.

" _Kate?"_ Alexis chokes, a soft, whisper of a word, but she doesn't reply. She just grips tightly on her hand and holds Castle firmly in her gaze, holding back the tears and refusing to let them fall; instead she lets them cloud her vision, until she almost can't see him anymore. Until he's gone; literally. She hears the air expel, and the muddy vision of his body sinks slightly, down into the bed. Her eyelids close, she exhales, and the tears finally fall in a rush down her cheeks. She keeps them closed, for a moment, praying to some unholy god that when she opens them again his chest will be rising and he'll be breathing again, making that ruthless, unforgiving rattle that causes a physical reaction; prickles on her skin, her stomach twisting in a grief that matches the aching in her heart. But he's not, and she knows even before she opens her eyes that he won't, again, ever. Her husband simply isn't, anymore. He is no more. He's gone, something in her past, someone to think and speak fondly of; someone that was. And somehow, somewhere within the realisation of those specific points, those definitions, she is calmer. It's done. His battle is finished.

She looks down, seeing that Alexis still has hold of her, and she rubs small circles with her thumb on her step-daughter's skin; her hand so little, in comparison, holding on tightly to her own. Her voice emerges again as more of a whisper, and she clears her throat to try to make it louder, stronger, but fails. "Shall I go, for a minute?" Alexis shakes her head, and she goes to stand anyway, but the younger girl squeezes hard at her hand.

"No." Her voice is quiet, but firm. "Stay, please." Kate slides the chair back a little, giving Alexis room to move closer, and watches.

"Bye, Daddy." Her eyes are closed as she leans over to brush her mouth lightly over his temple, and Kate sees her lips moving a little; spelling out words in her head, saying the last things she needs her father to hear. Then she's done, and with a little "hmmm' of satisfaction, almost, she leaves a soft kiss on his cooling skin and straightens up, the wide eyes that give away so much of her Irish heritage glistening with held back tears.

She turns back to Kate. "Do you want me to go, now?"

But she doesn't respond, just rises from her chair and fits into the space that Alexis vacates, as close to the bed as she can get without climbing in to join him. Because that's what she wants to do; truly, she does, but reason - and sense - dictates otherwise.

Kate looks down at him, her hand tight over his, not wanting to let go, but she knows she has to. This isn't him; his dignity is gone, as is his spirit too; the already slightly waxen body that lies in front of her is just an indication, barely a suggestion of the clever, brilliant man he once was. She marvels at how much it doesn't even look like him anymore; somewhere in the endless moments of waiting for his chest to rise again he has changed. He's not 'her' Castle, the man she gave her life to; the man who taught her how to be strong, when she thought she had nothing left. The man she promised to be with, and to love forever. When they exchanged their wedding vows she had very intentionally not put a time limit on her promise to love him; in her mind there was no end to their partnership, or their affections. Yet in his to her he'd stated "'til death do us part", almost as if he somehow knew, even back then, that she'd be the one left behind. But in her mind, the parting would be brief. She'd come to peace with the fact that they were in the autumn of their years; it seemed like a blessing, more than something to fear. They'd had their life, and she had learned very early in her own that time was incredible fragile and precious; losing her mother so early had taught her to cherish everything, no matter how long it lasts. The leaves would still change colour and fall, then grow again next spring; the cycle of time is endless, and no science or will in the world can alter that. What matters most is the person you are when you're occupying your own, unique part of that time; and who you have beside you. The moment she met him her life had become extraordinary, and she knew deep in her heart that she wouldn't have, _couldn't_ have chosen have chosen a better person to share her tomorrow's adventures with. There are no words left unsaid, so she just squeezes at his clay-like skin and lets him go.

Not once has Alexis loosened her grip on Kate's hand. They finally break away from one another, not a word spoken, and they work quickly and quietly to pack his things together as Rhian comes in to take care of the technicalities.

And then, all too soon, it's done; they bid their grateful goodbyes to the people who have been such a constant over the last few weeks and make their way out of the hospital, out into the bright, unforgiving sunshine that seems so unacceptable, so ill-fitting, so unwelcome.

Alexis goes one way, Kate goes another, with a tearful promise to meet in the middle in an hour or two once Alexander has been collected and fed; but Kate wants to be alone, to have a moment by herself to get used to this achingly harsh new normal that is such an unwelcome adjustment for her. She needs to learn how to be alone; to go back to something of the person she was before Castle came into her life, before he had changed her in a remarkable, irreversible way; for the better. She needs time to learn a new normal.

" _Beckett: "The moment that I met you, my life became extraordinary. You taught me to be my best self, to look forward to tomorrow's adventure. When I was vulnerable, you were strong. I love you, Richard Castle, and I want to live my life in the warmth of your smile and the strength of your embrace. I promise you I will love you. I will be your friend and your partner in crime and in life. Always."_

 _Castle: "The moment we met, my life became extraordinary. You taught me more about myself than I knew there was to learn. You are the joy in my heart. You're the last person I want to see when I close my eyes. I love you, Katherine Beckett, and the mystery of you is the one I want to spend the rest of my life exploring. I promise to love you and be your friend and your partner in crime and life till death do us part—and for the time of our lives."_


End file.
